[Subtitles by danielsangeo]
[muzak]
LA LA LA LA LA! C'mon...
[Geiger counter ticks]
Why is this all green?
FUCK! THIS IS RADIOACTIVE!
WHY IS NOTHING HAPPENING?!
THIS IS A RADIOACTIVE
ROACH MOTEL... FOR PEOPLE!
[alarm blares]
FUCKING SHIT!
I'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!
I DON'T WANT TO DIE HERE
SUCKING DOWN GAMMA RAYS!
WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING MORONS DOING HERE?!
RADIATION'S THE INVISIBLE ENEMY!
AND I'M LOST AND... SCARED, DAMMIT!
YOU KNOW WHAT THE NUMBER ONE
REGRET OF DYING PEOPLE IS?
IT'S, "I REGRET PLAYING NEAR ALL
THAT RADIOACTIVE WASTE
"BECAUSE NOW I'M FUCKING DYING!"
[machine gun fire]
WHERE AM I?!
[machine gun fire, agrunts howling]
So, are you guys fighting
over me, is that it?
Hey, now there's a thought.
Damn, the bottom part's locked.
[heavy explosion]
I think I did something.
[heavy explosion]
Shit, I think they noticed me.
FOLLOW THE SOUND OF MY .50 CALIBER!
How is this gun NOT shooting
through a tool cabinet?
Does Snap-on have a special
tankproof model or something?
Through the power of
hypnotic suggestion and a tank
I was able to convince all these
people they were dead.
Whether they're real or not has no
bearing on whether they SHOULD be real.
WHAT COULD IT BE?!
LET'S GO TAKE A LOOK!
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW THE HAPPY BALL
BUT YOU DIDN'T! NOW, NO ONE'S HAPPY!
[agrunt moans]
YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT!
BET YOU WISHED YOU PICKED UP
THE HAPPY BALL NOW, HUH?!
Why is everybody standing
here waiting for me?
[Xenian cannon fires]
FUCK!
That'll teach you to...
cave in the ceiling.
Blue space lasers comin' in here
actin' like they own the planet.
[Xenian cannon fires]
AAAH!
Okay, so, what do we know about you?
See, this is why I'm such a
good theoretical physicist.
I solve problems that shouldn't
even exist to begin with.
I still don't get it. The aliens kept coming
at me one by one around the corner.
That makes no tactical sense at all.
They should've either all come at
once or all held back to ambush me.
I mean, I'm glad they didn't,
but, wow, they're not impressing
me with their intelligence.
In science fiction, the usual assumption
is aliens are either just monsters
or else way more advanced.
There's not a whole lot on invading
aliens that just are kind of stupid.
Oh, is this another one
of those giant lifts
designed to move elephants
underground or something?
Okay, so where's the secret vent where
the aliens pop out as soon as you start it?
The last one was designed that way.
May as well get a head start
on it this time.
Does this release the aliens?
Oh, that's the door. I guess I
should've realized that one.
Actually, I don't even know
why I'm even worried.
They'll just send the aliens
after me one by one.
When I turned the corner, that
one alien seemed surprised to see me.
How could it not know I was
there? I fired a tank!
Man, I hope I haven't screw my
DNA because of that radiation.
I remember watching a
documentary on Chernobyl
and it showed the camera crew
going to the edge of the "safe zone".
Then, on the drive back, their
Geiger counter kept clicking like crazy
and everybody had this "Oh shit!"
look on their face
because nobody factored in their
car and gear ABSORBING the radiation.
Yeah, I'm not understanding
this invasion at all.
I mean, it's obvious at least some of
these teleportations are no accident.
Then, why am I fighting alien wildlife?
That would be like if we dropped in a bunch
of stray dogs and badgers into a warzone.
[headcrab squeals]
Sure it would--WAAH!
...it would cause SOME problems
but nothing significant.
Definitely not worth the energy to actually
teleport something. It must take a lot.
Now, maybe these aliens carry viruses
they thought would spread--oh, nice--
but, if so, Black Mesa is the
worst place to hit:
low population, lots of lockdowns,
in the middle of a desert. It's stupid.
Maybe humanity is just MUCH
better at invading than aliens are.
We've had a lot of practice.
Although, we've been acting pretty
stupid ourselves--okay, what is this?
Do I really want to go in this door?
If I only had gotten that tank to move.
I-I-I can't think about it;
it just depresses me.